The Ramblings of a Newly Found Soul

backlit balance beach cloud

This post is a bit of a personal rambling that I just want to get down on paper and out there. I am working behind the scenes on an eBook and planning a podcast and more sustained social media presence, as well as a beta version of a course which will all be revealed shortly. I have had to do a little work on myself prior to getting the business up and running properly.

The Ramblings of a Newly Found Soul

I haven’t written in such a long time and there is a reason for this. It isn’t because I don’t want to or can’t be bothered or anything like that, or that I have given up on my dreams. It is because I have been, and still am going through such a profound change in my life that I have been finding it really hard to find the words to express what has been going on.

I have first seen just how much of an impact my own childhood has had on the way I am today. I didn’t have a bad childhood in the sense that I was fed, clothed and warm and didn’t go without. But I did not have my emotional need met. To the point where I would just not bother talking about anything that upset me as a child and would bottle it up and see it as unimportant. This has led to this being a deep-rooted belief, my own feelings and emotions don’t really matter, thus why my self esteem and self-belief have been so incredibly low.

Next, I had the realisation that, I mask my true self nearly all of the time. This is largely down to not being diagnosed as autistic until adulthood. Another false belief, I was always different to other people my age so there must be something wrong with me. Well there isn’t anything wrong with me, I’m actually just the me I’m supposed to be. What was a profound moment was when I realised the only time my true self comes out is when I am angry or annoyed about something, the real me then breaks through. But instead of acting upon this and solving the problem my self-doubt comes in and I am unable to express myself because my emotions don’t matter right? And other peoples feelings and needs are more important than mine right? Well, actually they’re not but that’s not what my subconscious mind has been told for a very long time. So I end up just sitting quietly brooding and upset, no longer feeling the need to mask (as I’m not able at that point) and make conversation and put on the happy face that a normally do. Now, Im not saying here that my true self, the one without the mask, is always upset and brooding and grumpy etc. Im just saying that this is the only time I actually appear, the person who has a opinion and something to say (even though I don’t) rather than the one who just goes through life doing or saying what I think other people want or expect me to.

On a more positive note, I have discovered the law of attraction. This idea that whatever we give out, not only through out actions, but also through the thoughts and feeling that we have, is what we will receive back. I will do another post about what I have learnt in this area as it is a huge topic, but I feel that it is perhaps the key to happiness. It teaches us to be grateful for what we have (and also that which we do not yet have), to express love for the people, things and natural world around us, and not to be held back by limiting beliefs. If we only believe we can get so far in life, that is how far we will go. Having this belief opens a whole new world of possibility which I want in on! Identifying these limiting beliefs within myself is the first step to overcoming them, and when I do, just watch me fly!

Thank you for reading.  

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