In order to fight this axniety, I think more bravery is needed on my part. I need to have the view that “im going to do this thing no matter how it feels” in order to win this battle.
I started the exposure therpy yesterday and there isn’t anything expected of my over the next couple of weeks, apart from making a list of situations that make me anxious, then trying to rank them from most anxiety inducing to those that give me milder anxiety. But I’ve taken it upon myself to go further. Is that a good idea?
We’re away for a few days next week, me and the kids, we stay in our own caravan so it is very familiar, we do things very close by that are on the complex where we stay, or walk to the beach. We have done other things before but I find it really hard. This time however, I have enquired with local taxi firms about transport which would allow us to take trips out for the day. I am looking at going further afield twice next week. While I feel very daunted by this I also feel like it absolutely necessary and I’m ready for the fight.
I have also booked 2 appointments the following week as 2 of my choldren are due immunisations. One appointment is fairly local but the other one means attending a clinic on other side of town. Appointments are a source of high anxiety for me and so is traveling far from home so this will be hard on both counts. But again I’m ready for the fight.
I hope I am doing the right thing by making the conscious decision to try to live a normal life, regardless of the level of anxiety that will show its self. Naturally, I am worried that I will have truly awful experiences doing these things, then never want to try again if its too traumatic. But I can’t be ruled by that fear, even if one activity does go badly I need to accept it and more onto the next, I can’t give up. I won’t give up.
I do have the techniques and what I’ve learnt so far from my MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) course. I am now on week 2 (of 8). We have looked at techniques such as mindful breathing and body scan, which I plan to use to help me through any difficult times while I’m out doing these things.
Its a little frustrating as I just want to get out and do more and be more adventurous with what situations I’m using to overcome the anxiety. But on the other hand I feel I am still being held back by the pandemic to an extent. Whereas, in the past I could have thrown myself into many situations, at the moment some things just aren’t sensible. For example, I don’t want to travel by train, though this would inducehigh anxiety for me and its something I want to work on, I don’t feel like spending a lot of time on a busy train is the best thing to be doing at the moment. This just means that some things are going to take longer than others to work on, but I’m sure I can make progress non the less.
Is the only way to beat this, really, just to make myself so uncomfortable, disressed and physically ill over and over again until I win? Will I ever win? If it the only way then that’s what I will be doing, for however long it takes. Even though I have no idea if it is the right thing to do, I feel like I must try.
Thanks for reading.